Archive for June, 2010

In a few days, we’ll pack children, clothes, scrapbooking materials, (can’t leave home without those) and food in the car and  set off across the Great United States. Our country is huge–and I am never reminded of that more than when trying to drive the large expanses of space between New York and Wyoming.

While in Wyoming I plan to stare at the blue sky and find shapes in the clouds. I’ll pick out the stars in the black velvet night sky. My children and I will explore the offerings of my home town like tourists. I look forward to the quiet spaces, wild mountains, and wind.

Whether or not I’ll feel prompted to write on my blog, I don’t know. So maybe drop by once in a while, if you haven’t totally given up on me.


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I saw my reumatologist today. I heard a word I had never before heard in relation to me and my disease: remission. In short, my lupus is in remission. I am not cured–never will be, but for right now, I’m in remission. My blood tests look good and I feel good. Do you know how wonderful it feels not to hurt or to have every joint ache unbearably? Do you know how great it feels to go through a whole day without taking a painkiller? It feels wonderful.

I don’t know how long this period of remission will last, but for now, I’m going to enjoy every minute of it.

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Do you ever flip-flop between thinking “I am the most amazing mother and I am the worst mother?” I do. Sometimes it astonishes me how quickly those two feelings can come and go, often within minutes of each other.

My kids missed school on Tuesday because of sunburns and general crankiness. It was an uneventful, peaceful day. But they are all behind on homework. We have a strict after-school routine schedule that facilates homework and leisure time. Usually the schedule works well, if the kids have the normal workload. But today the time wasn’t sufficient. My oldest was dragging his feet as he did his homework, discouraged and depressed. I tried so hard to be patient and calm as I lectured, I mean, coached but lost my temper a few times. I felt like a bad mother for losing it when he needed a calm and collected mother. Finally, I asked him to go to his room and relax. I made dinner, fed the kids, went outside, put the baby and the other kids to bed. Then I called the oldest down and we finished the work. This time, I managed to keep my temper and convinced him to think positively as he studied. I don’t know how he’ll do tomorrow on his test, but at least he tried and put forth good effort this evening. And I was more supportive and helpful.

So does that count as a zero loss/gain? Do the negative things cancel out the good or vice versa? Or should I maintain the positive view myself and count it as a win for the day? I’m going with the latter. That feels better than berating myself again.

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When I was a little girl, I loved paper with a passion. I would load up my tiny backpack with all the pens and paper I could find. While other kids would spend their money on candy, I would go to the office supply section of K-mart and drool. I particularly enjoyed the miniature Hello Kitty pen and paper sets.

As a teenager, I would buy stationary at a local store, running my fingers over the textured paper and writing long-winded letters to whoever was foolhardy enough to give me their address.

I don’t write a lot of letters anymore. An email account replaced the pen and paper. But I still love paper. Now I indulge my obsession with 12 x 12 paper from the scrapbook store. I have a tendency to hoard because the paper is so pretty that I almost don’t want to use it.

I still swoon when I go to an office supply store and purchase notebooks galore to record notes, thoughts, or lists. My third son, J, has inherited this obsession with paper. I took him to the dollar store to spend some money he had saved. What did he buy with his money? Paper, pens, and notebooks that he promptly hid in his bedroom away from his brothers.

Do you have an obsession? Are you a book-buying fiend, earring collector, dark chocolate connoisseur, or something else?

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