Guilt

I’ve been wrapped in my own little cares lately. The owner of the home we rent is selling the house. It makes everyday feel uncertain. Brent’s job contract ends in February–looming in my mind as the days race toward it. He’s job searching–like many Americans. I lived with this kind of uncertainty our last year in Sweden. It’s hard way to live. I think I stressed too much about it–which was neither productive nor healthy.

I’ve been so engrossed in my own little troubles that I’ve missed what’s happening with others around me. Today while eating lunch with friends, I overheard a little snippet about somebody being out of work. When I asked my friend about it, she told me that her husband was being let go next week. She was brave and upbeat–something I need to learn from.

I felt really ashamed about my attitude. Here I am in, living in a nice home, with a husband with a secure job till February. There are lots of people who don’t even have that security. I have a good part-time job that I could increase the hours if I wanted. We aren’t settled here and have the ability to pick up and move anywhere that was needed.

I need to stop worrying about the future and concentrate on enjoying today. And I need to more sympathetic of others who are struggling.

Read Full Post »

Love Offerings

Happy Mothers Day!

It was a blissful day at my house today.  My children tromped into my room, hands full of love offerings from their hearts. Walter presented me with a painted flower pot and a card with four original poems. Each poem made me cry. It gave me a glimpse into what I mean to him. Trent’s offering was a darling keychain, complete with a tiny cutout figure of him and one of me,  with a little circle around my stomach, symbolizing our coming baby. Josef’s gift included a coconut Dum-Dum lollipop and a carefully made bracelet. Brooke has been showering me with gifts all weeks, tender kisses, sweet “I love yous” and plenty of hugs. Brent spent a good part of his evening last night making my favorite homemade ravioli. The results were delicious. I feel wrapped in love and appreciation.

But really, all of this, wouldn’t have happened without all of them. When Brent and I started dating, I had no intention of having children. I knew how hard it was to be a mother from seeing the work my own mother did. I didn’t want the burden of children–the sorrow I knew would come. But our love filled me with more love and nearly a year after we married, I knew that I was ready to become a mother. I don’t know how or why my heart changed, but it did.

When Walter came to my life, it was amazing. I really had a delightful time being his mother. As he has gotten older, we’ve faced hard challenges together. I love Walter because he is breaking me into be a better mother. I’m sorry he has deal with all my mistakes, but he keeps forgiving me and I keep trying.

Trent is such a paradox to me. He can be so charming and lively but so infuriating as well. He pushes me to be more patient and control my flaming temper. He’s taught me that formulas don’t always work. And he constantly reminds me that he is an individual. I can’t parent my children as if they were a collective group. Each one has different needs.

Josef is my calming refuge. From the time he was born, his calm, sweet loving personality have helped me in stormy times. He has taught me how to calm myself. And for a person with a nervous personality, learning that technique is a life-saver.

Brooke is my miracle baby. In some ways, I tremble to be her mother, because I am modeling motherhood for her. I hope that she will see motherhood as worthy of striving to achieve. She is tremendously strong. I am so grateful to see that strength in her, for I know she will need it. When I see Brooke, I am reminded to try harder to be the woman I want to be.

Read Full Post »